AZC and a book

Jonny and I finally made it to the Anchorage Zen Center the other night. Just visited for their newcomers night. It was a brief introduction to meditation and the customs of the zendo. We did about a 4-5 minute zazen and a little time for questions at the end. I enjoyed it. I want to come back on Sunday I think. Check out what it's like for an actual period. They have two periods of 25 minute zazen with a 10 minute walking meditation in between. Worth a shot.

Jonny asked me why it would be better in a group since I already practice on my own. I don't know. I think a lot of the ceremony in Buddhism is done because of the basic human desire to have structure and ceremony. At least, I think that's how it works for me. I do enjoy solitary practice. I just think I would like to add a tiny bit if ceremony and religion to it. I don't know though. I might end up not enjoying that, and just blessing off w/ the whole organized religion thing altogether. I think I'll always stick w/ individual practice though. I like it.

I finished Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist last night. Batchelor never quite makes the jump to proper Atheism. He is sort of Agnostic I think, or at least very non-aggressive about being an Atheist. I'm sort of tired of discussing or thinking about god and how people define it though. I don't believe in it like most people claim to, and that's enough of that. The book turned out to be sort of a collage of material that didn't have a real coherent flow to it. He does stick to the historical account of the life of Gotoma  throughout the book though. His life lessons and personal philosophies are sort of sprinkled in there amongst all the other stuff. I found the book interesting, but I think a lot of people would not. I think I did come away with a different idea of who Gotoma might have been. Traditional Buddhism presents him as a symbol more than a man, and after reading this book, I think I view him much more realistically. I think that's good though. It's the way he wished to be viewed after all.

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

I've started using Jonny's nap time for my meditation time. It's working pretty well, but now I miss my naps w/ her. =(

So yesterday I was talking about suffering, the first noble truth that Buddha taught. One thing I found sort of weird the first time I heard of the 4 noble truths...the fact that they're called "noble truths." I mean, sure "Life is suffering." That I could see was "a truth" I guess. But then the second one, "Causes of suffering." That didn't make sense. Then, "Cultivation of the 8-fold path?" What the hell? These don't sound like truths to me...just bullets or statements. That's really what they are.

If you really try to embrace suffering, you're bound to come to the conclusion that suffering, like everything else, has a cause. Suffering results from something. Yes, it causes things too, but no one can deny it is a result of something. This is "The Second Noble Truth," cue dramatic music please.

It's really no big deal, even though it is one of the key ingredients to the whole Buddhist method of living. So what if suffering has a cause? Who cares? Well, every suffering situation may have a different specific cause, but they all have one thing in common. All suffering shares a common bond. It all results from a desire or craving for things to be otherwise. If you are satisfied w/ situation X, then that situation causes no suffering.

It can be a little something or a huge one, and that will determine whether your suffering is little or huge. My daughter is in the ICU. I really want her to get well. I'm not satisfied w/ her situation. I suffer because of that. I worry. I stress. I want to hurry time along to when she's healthy. I want her care to be even better. I want to hold her. I want my wife to be at ease about it. I want her breathing to improve. The list goes on and on and on. And that's just one situation. What about how...I'm not comfortable. I want to move my leg. TV sucks, change the channel please. It's almost as if every freaking thing we come in contact with is unsatisfactory. Even that cake that seemed so satisfactory. It was simply temporarily relieving the slight suffering caused from the desire to have it, taste and smell it, consume it. It's pleasure giving abilities are a direct result of the suffering it relieves.

So lately I've been trying to "embrace suffering" by seeing "causes of suffering". Causes of suffering could also be stated as wants, needs, or desires. It's the same thing. Next time you want something, take a millisecond, and see it as suffering. It's interesting. That cake for instance. It never occurs to you at first to be anything but pleasurable.  And that thing that caused your suffering...loosing your wallet, never seemed anything but bad, but it's a result of the comfort you feel by having your wallet and all the things it provides to you. It's one in the same. There isn't really any difference. Just how we view it.

"I promise. I will never die."

I'm nearing the end of Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist. A large portion of the book is Batchelor's physical journey through the places significant to the history of Siddhatta Gotama. It got a little dry for me for a while and I sort of had to plow through that part, but it might be more interesting to other people. Parts of it interest me too, don't get me wrong, but it's a VERY detailed account of Gotoma's life as a man. However, it does show just how hard the author must have worked at dredging out all this information from the Pali Canon and ancient Buddhist texts.


   Listen to Only if you can promise me you'll never die.     from Team America: World Police

So, the first of the Four Noble Truths is "Suffering." I've seen it written a couple different ways in different books. "The truth of suffering" as compared to "Life is suffering," or "Embrace suffering." The point of realizing or embracing suffering is that EVERYTHING suffers. One thing for me---and maybe lots of westerners?---is that the word "suffering" brings up images of torture or horrible pain. If you try to realize that everything suffers in that way, you're kind of stretching it. Suffer doesn't necessarily mean that though. Lets say you bake a cake. Certainly the cake isn't suffering right? Well...in a way it is. It doesn't experience pain or suffering, but it is impermanent. It will eventually rot or be eaten. And, have you never seen a kid cry over not getting his/her cake? ;) "I've met this girl, and she is da bomb! I think I'm in love!" Now this...this can not be suffering right? Even love will change. One of the partners will die before the other. The relationship might dissolve. Even if both partners live their entire lives together in total bliss and they up and die on the same day at the same time, their love for each other will not be the same on that day as it was early in their relationship. So even a strong positive emotion such as love still suffers.

There's also traditional suffering where I have a pain in the neck or a toothache that causes me to suffer. That won't last either though! Good news! Either your tooth will become abscessed, (I knew I should have flossed more often) cause you a nasty infection that leads to your death...and the end of your suffering. OR You get to a dentist and have it fixed somehow. Either way, that toothache won't last forever. It's a fact.

I don't think this is totally pessimistic. It's just the way things are. Things come up, they do their thing, then they die, change, or go away somehow. The reason that equates to suffering is that we humans expect the world to behave differently. My totally awesome new camera for instance, shouldn't it last for a while? My savings in the bank, shouldn't they be there when I check next time? What do we mean by "should"? According to who? According to what? Why, in the grand scheme of things should my camera be okay or my money be safe? It's because we expect them to be safe that causes problems for us. Didn't we just agree that nothing lasts? What determines the appropriate time that something should last? There isn't an appropriate time for anything to last. That's hard to swallow.

This all makes sense on paper, but it is so hard to realize in life. Though I realize this principle in an academic way, I go through life expecting certain things to last a certain amount of time before it's "okay" for them to change. That's what meditation is for. Or, one thing it's for at least. To try to change that perception to a more realistic one. It is clinging to this notion that things will go on as we expect them to that causes so many problems for us. That leads into the Second Noble Truth...the cause of suffering. Dum dum daaaaaaa.

Anchorage Zen Center

My wife and I had intended to visit the Anchorage Zen Center last night for their newcomers night which they have every Tuesday evening from 7-830. Needless to say--we intended to visit--we missed our time. We ended up staying in the hospital longer than we'd planned, then laundry, mail, and dinner got in the way. I suppose there will always be excuses eh? We're going to try again next week. I think next week may be better anyway. I'm not actually sure there was any zazen last night. I think it was basically a class on posture, but that would have been good too.

Jonny isn't very interested at all in Zen or meditation. She isn't very eager to attend this newcomers night w/ me either, but she is willing. I've been trying to sit everyday, but it's hard. We're cooped up in this one-bed hotel room at the hospital and we have exactly the same schedule, so my only alone time is while she's in the shower. I suppose I could just sit there while she tapped away at her laptop or read a book or something, but that's a little awkward. So I've only been able to sit about 10 minutes a day at the most. I think meditation is especially helpful right now though with all the added stress/worry about Ella. She's doing fine I guess, but we worry a lot, and it feels very unstable.

I have been reading quite a bit online about Buddhist practice though. I think that's good. Still reading Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist too. The book got a little slow, but it's picking back up. When Stephen Batchelor goes on about his investigations into the details of Gotoma's life before he was enlightened, it gets pretty nitty-gritty and a bit deep into Indian history for my taste. I really enjoy his writings on philosophy though.

I really need to start studying and working out again. I can't let it go for too long or I'll regret it. That's about the last thing I feel like doing right now though. Maybe if I just start really small. ;)

Pill Box

We've been here in Anchorage since the 14th. I miss home. I can't wait to take Ella home, but it's going to be like February or March before we can. She's doing pretty good though. I say I miss home and I think of material things. Wish I had my video games. Wish I had my car. But really, it's the routine, the life that I miss. It isn't those material things at all. And I don't miss it all that much anyway. I just sort of wistfully think of it from time to time. I'm sure, as soon as we get home I'll be talking about missing the great restaurants and stores available in Anchorage.

So the lady that said, "Luck has nothing to do with it, it's all up to god in my mind." said it again to my wife and I in the elevator the other day. I was talking w/ Jonny and mentioned something I'd read from Richard Dawkins. He questioned, "Why does religion (any religion) automatically demand respect?" Jonny said that it's more about not disrespecting someone. That's why you should not say anything offensive about their religion. But, why should it be offensive to say, "In my mind, god has nothing to do with it. I wish you good luck." Of course that lady would take offense if I said that. But why? Why do allow people a break at work 2-3 times during the day to go pray if they're Muslim? What if I were super into weightlifting. Could I get breaks to go lift or eat so that my routine could be just right? In the Army, you're not allowed to wear a necklace of any kind, unless it bears a religious symbol. Why is that? You can't have facial hair because you need a good seal on your gas mask. However, if you're Muslim, go ahead, we don't mind your beard. Oh, and you Jewish guys, you go ahead and wear the yamaka for holidays. I'm not jealous. There's nothing I feel they're getting that I'm not. I'm not owed anything. But why this constant fear of offending someone's "religious freedom?"

Freedom of speech doesn't include shouting "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater. Likewise, freedom of religion doesn't include getting whatever the hell you want as long as you declare it as part of your religious practice. We've all heard of people letting their children die of disease when medical cures were available. They wanted to let god take care of it. It's always a big controversy. "Where should we draw the line?" you hear people say on the news. Well, lets draw is really far back. Lets say...when your religious freedom bothers anyone, or disrupts anything, it's no longer an option. Have a church, masque, temple. Have gatherings and bible studies, and whatever. But when it interferes w/ business, peoples health, world peace, isn't that important enough that it deserves to be dealt with?

Dawkins had another good point. Mainstream religion allows for extremist religion. Faith without evidence is considered a virtue. The more you blindly believe, the more saintly you are. Most people see through this stuff, but some don't. Mainstream religion encourages people to become extremists.

So, is it really so offensive to just mention that it has more to do w/ luck that god? I mean, even if I were wrong, I almost feel obligated to nudge her that direction. What about those people that let their children die? Those kids didn't get to enjoy their freedom of religion. It was imposed on them and they paid the ultimate price. Well, for my little girl, I want all the luck in the world. And anything else good out there...ncluding modern medicine.

Come again?

There's a Zen center here in Anchorage I guess. They have a 'newcomers' night twice a week in the evenings. I think I'm going to have to come by for a sit. Apparently it's relatively short period of zazen, then some discussion about posture, Dharma, or Q&A. I've never been to any formal Zen function at all so, it should be interesting. There's a Kwan Um school up in Fairbanks too, but I've always been hesitant to go there. I read up a tiny bit on Kwan Um, and they do a lot of chanting. Also, I just have a problem with authority I guess. They call someone "venerable" this or that, and I'm immediately turned off. I think maybe if I'd joined w/ some organization early on, I'd be more open to it. But I've been practicing on my own for so long, I've really gotten comfortable with it. On the other hand, I think it's good to step out of your comfort zone from time to time. And I'm sure I'll never find a "perfect fit" no matter how hard I look.

About the book I'm reading. Batchelor was just talking about the stories from the Pali texts...the man who's shot w/ the poisoned arrow being more concerned w/ the make of the bow, the arrow, and the shooter, than w/ the fact that he's shot w/ a poisoned arrow. The story of the 4 blind men describing an elephant, where one touches the leg and says it's a pillar, one has the tail & says it's a rope etc... The story of how Buddha said, "...don't trust teachers, teachings, don't be loyal just because. Test everything for yourself." And the story where Buddha said "suppose there is no hereafter, just live the best you can, and be happy now...that's most important." I'm paraphrasing like a mo-fo, but you get the gist.

I agree w/ all this wholeheartedly. That's why I can't get into the chanting, the deities, the rituals, the visualizations, all that. I feel like it's all mysticism, and it feels fake to me. Meditating feels good to me. It's logical, I can see and feel the effects, it makes sense to do it. That's why I can't bring myself to believe in god. I used to...not. I used to say I did. I think that's what most people do actually. I don't think there are many folks out there that truly believe in a biblical god that have been real honest w/ themselves about it. I don't believe there are many that truly believe in the protection of an angel or deity either. The brief time I spent making believe that I truly believed in god did nothing for me really. I would tell people it did. The power of prayer, the power of faith, when people come together in god's name etc... All that was a consolation to myself. Drops in the bucket that had a constant leak. Constantly needing refilled. If your beliefs are certain, you don't need reassurances. I will always believe 2+2=4. If someone comes along an proves it isn't so...I'll believe that then. But even then, it won't need re-proven. You just use the knowledge. You live with it.

That's one problem I run into inside of Buddhism. Reincarnation and Karma. Karma, it's shaky for me. Obviously there's cause and effect. No doubt about it. I think everything has an effect and a cause. I think nothing is free also. You find $20 on the sidewalk...you earned. Somehow. Either you earned it, or you're going to. I figure it all balances out somehow, whether we see it or not. I think existence tends towards chaos too, so that figures in there somewhere. But when you talk about unresolved karma coming back to you in the next life? I don't think so. The whole reincarnation and afterlife thing blocks that for me. Is the mind different than the body? I have no reason to think so. The mind can't be without the brain, and at least a nice chunk of the rest of your body too. And the body can't live without at least minimum input from the mind generating brain. So, why would anyone assume the mind takes a vacation for a while, only to come back and somehow inhabit the brain of another human that was created by two people unrelated to the mind giver? I mean...really it sounds completely ridiculous! This is just my opinion, and you're entitled to yours too, but I'm not buying it. Not without a helluva lot more evidence that what I've seen on Mysteries of the Unexplained.

Do something

Yesterday's post seemed to glaze over so many details. I think it could have been a never ending post.

So, at that Dead show I mentioned. It was 1994 at Buckeye Lake Music Center in Hebron, Ohio. Traffic opened up. All my friends and I were smoking pot all day before the show, then everyone ate some LSD about 30 minutes before going into the concert area. The "parking lot" was a little slice of 1969 with hippies and buses everywhere. I was there for the party, not that into the Dead, and not that into the old hippie thing either. I was having fun though, and I was with a good group of friends, about 10 of us all together.

Walking in the gates to the show we passed through a small crowd of people with their hands out asking for "a miracle." They'd literally say, "Can I get a miracle bro?" as we'd walk by. I found out later they wanted a free ticket. I also found out later that the group of hippies that follow the Dead include many a freeloader that bum cigarettes, money, food, and of course tickets all in the name of "brotherhood." It's really a bunch of bullshit, but...back to the story.

We get in, we're watching Traffic, Steve Winwood is jammin w/ the band, everyone's having a blast. It starts getting really windy, and my trip is going pretty strong. Couple things I remember here. The trees on the far side of the field where the concert was held were blowing all over the place. I remember thinking that they were holding up there leaves as an old lady might hold up her dress to cross a mud puddle. With their swaying in the strong winds, they looked to be dancing to the music. It was quite a sight. It seemed that I could talk at any time. As if speech was a passing train that I could easily step onto or off of at any moment. My conversation w/ my friend Craig I remember, seemed to be a train of its own. We were both entering the stream of speech, and exiting at will. What was funny was, our conversation was ABOUT the fact that we could do this. We also remarked that, at any time, you could look in any direction and find someone lighting a cigarette within about 2-3 seconds. It was a fact! Not part of the trip. It was so strange. And probably way less exciting that we thought it was. ;)

Then the rain started DUMPING BUCKETS onto us. There was an old man standing about 10 feet to our front in a bright red jump suit w/ a red baseball cap on. I'm sure he was soaked, but the material didn't look wet at all. The guy was probably 60 years old, and by himself apparently. My friend Josh said, "Look...it's God." and pointed to this guy. About 5 of us just stood there amazed by this old man. Around this time I looked up into the rain and storm clouds. Something told me that I just shouldn't be there. That I wasn't meant to be there somehow. I then felt so incredibly cold I had to leave. I was cold because of the rain and wind and acid. This was on top of a bad sunburn from running around the parking lot all day long w/ no shirt on. So, Craig basically held me as we walked back to the van. It's a good thing. If I'd gone alone I'd have gotten lost for sure. These lovable hippies who believe only in peace and togetherness all booed and belittled me for leaving the show early. They said things like, "Oh look at this guy! He wasted his fucking ticket!" I totally didn't care about these folks though, or what they thought of me. I'd just passed from my old life into a new one I thought.

Back at the van I was introduced to Phish and chilled out in the dry interior for the remainder of the Dead show. The rest of the day was pretty unremarkable, but I remembered those trippy moments where my mind seemed to meld with the minds around me for months after that. I felt that everything was very pliable after that. That I could be whoever I wanted to be. That anything was possible. That how I'd viewed the world up to that point was always incorrect. I was a little out of it then I think, but what was important in my opinion was that last point. That I now saw how connected we all are, and that nothing is permanent, everything is constantly in flux, and that anything could happen.

I still feel this way. I think we are all individual sensors of a universe that has a way to experience itself. That's all I really know. Is there anything beyond death as far as the mind is concerned? I doubt it. Does it matter how I live my life? Only in that it affects everything around me, and thus affects my own environment. If you honestly want to live in pain, then no...it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Does it matter if someone is gay or rich or disabled or a fish? I don't think so. It may not "matter" but it has effects. NOTHING we do or say or think has no effect. I read somewhere to "Direct all blame unto one's self." I think that's great advice. No, everything is not your fault, that's stupid. But blaming yourself for everything, or considering it at least, frees you from a lot of hatred and anger. Think about how much time you spend each day blaming others.

I might say, "Man, that dude shorted me $5.00! That turd! Some people have some real nerve! Oh well, I'm on my way home...too late now. Just wish people were better than that." Then I carry that around w/ me right? Well.. I could say, "I let myself get shorted $5.00! I have to be more careful and look at my receipt next time." You get the idea probably. Blaming yourself gets yourself into action. Get off your butt. Do something.