New Years Day

And there's no difference is there. We spent new years eve w/ Ella at her bedside. The nurses brought us some cider at midnight. That was nice. I remember getting so excited over new years. I would be really pissed if I had to work that day. We planned big parties and bought tons of alcohol. Then of course everyone would be terribly ill the next day. Just an excuse to get wasted. It's strange that I can't fathom doing that anymore. I have absolutely no desire to get hammered and celebrate the new year. I guess I'm just getting old.

I think tomorrow I will try to make it to the AZC again. I didn't go last Sunday because I was just too tired. Or maybe it was laziness...sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

I feel like my meditation has been going really well. I look forward to doing it every day. It's relaxing. I used to do 15 minutes every night, and sometimes I felt like I just wanted to get that time over with. Now I'm doing 25 minutes every "morning" and most days the alarm goes off and I'm not expecting it at all. The time feels pretty short sometimes.

Well, happy new year. Oh, and my resolution. I don't really have one. But I think I'll try to care about people more. Make those calls to people instead of puting it off till later. Be nicer to the people I don't like. That sort of thing.

Renzai or Soto? I'll have the Rye, thank you.

I didn't go to the zen center this morning. I even went to bed early to try to get a decent night of sleep so I could wake up at 8. Still, I guess 0200 isn't that early is it. Plus, I got up at 0500 to help with the breast milk pumping thing. Oh well. I still sat 25 minutes this morning like usual. Maybe next week.

I've been reading a book of collected writings from D. T. Suzuki. He talks a lot about satori, or enlightenment. I think in Soto it is sort of not talked about, or not tried for. I think Suzuki may be of the Renzai school? I'm not sure. Gotta read up on that. Not that it makes much difference I guess. I don't really have a teacher, and I only loosely identify w/ the Soto tradition. I was thinking of working with a koan, but I don't know if that would be a waste of time. I'm not really sure "how" you do koan work. I was reading this and it got me thinking of trying it by myself. I hate to change anything though. I kind of like what I'm doing already.

Ella has been doing well. She's almost off of the CPAP breathing machine. Once she's on the Vapotherm I think we'll be going to the level 2 side soon! Wahoo! They're even talking about giving her a bath pretty soon. Her first bath! How exciting. She is awesome.

Christmas Day

This is the first year we've ever totally gone without any celebration of xmas. Why should it feel like letting go of something? Nothing was really ever there. For my family it has always been such a stressful time. I wish we would have stopped a long time ago. Though I always loved getting gifts, (who doesn't love gifts, especially when they are children?) that's pretty much what it was all about. I think even the getting together with family part wasn't much fun for us. We always seemed to sort of dread the impending chaos and commotion that came with the family and presents.

My fondest memory of xmas is actually a Christmas eve memory. I was sitting in the living room by myself in the recliner. My Mom, Dad, and older brother were all out in the kitchen. I believe I was sitting out a hand of Rummy. Anyway, the tree was in the corner of the living room, about 5 feet in front of me. There was a warm silence in the house, broken only by the idle conversation over cards in the kitchen. The lights from the tree were the only thing lighting the room. I just felt so safe, warm, and content. I was probably 12-16 years old or so. This reminds me of something I read from Brad Warner.

He remarked about how we have this pressure to socialize. We are "not social" or "anti-social" if we don't enjoy hanging out with groups of people. So we feel that pressure. Then we give in to that pressure and try to be like everyone else who apparently loves to hang out in groups. Inevitably we go away unsatisfied. It's never as great as we'd hoped. So we feel that we are somehow weird or inadequate because we don't like being social, and of course everyone who's normal loves to be social right? What is this lie we tell ourselves, and why do we do it?

How many parties have I attended, or even thrown, where I was just sitting there not engaged in conversation? Sitting there alone within the group. Toiling over the politics of being social.
"I don't think he likes her."
"That girl is always whining."
"This guy...here we go w/ the jokes again."
"Does anyone really want to hear about your cats again?"
"Yeah right...don't you realize no one believes this story?"
It's almost tiring sometimes, yet we sit there smiling and nodding and being just as pleasant as we can be. We feel so relieved when it's all over. Isn't it nice when all the people go home and it's quiet again? I think we all enjoy our alone time, or our time one on one w/ good company.

So today is just another day this year. Though it will be much more relaxing than in all my years before.

Xmas

So we decided not to celebrate Christmas anymore. We are not Christian in any way. We don't like the pressure, traffic, and politics involved so we're just ignoring it from here on out I think.

AZC Sunday

I finally made it to the AZC Sunday morning. It was a good experience. I was surprised for a moment when I came in. There was already someone doing zazen and one more taking off her coat and getting ready. I just followed suit. I sat down on my cushion and began. I was probably there about 10 minutes, sitting as a few others came in behind me. Then I heard the bell. I just expected there to be some sort of formal---we are about to meditate, and we will start in one minute---or something like that. A solid beginning. But I guess it's this way every time.

We sat 25 minute. This first period I sat half lotus, knowing that my legs would be asleep if I tried full, and knowing we would walk next. So my legs didn't fall asleep. The bell rang, we got up and started walking meditation. This was a first for me, but I enjoyed it. It felt good for one thing. Also, my proximity to the other folks was never an issue as I thought it might be. We made it about half way around the room, 5-10 minutes maybe, and the bell rang again. We continued at a normal pace back to the cushion.

The second 25 minutes I spent full lotus. I wasn't surprised when my legs were fully asleep when the bell sounded again. I got up and tried to bow and almost fell over. I couldn't feel anything from the knees down. We then did prostrations which were very hard w/ my legs being numb and all. This was another first, and...though I don't really understand the reasoning behind prostrations, it felt pretty normal. Why 5? Or how ever many we did? Why that particular method? I think it's better to not try and figure it out. Why not 5? Why not do it that way? Anyway, we did some prostrations.

Another thing new to me was the chanting. There were a couple very short phrases chanted between meditating, prostrating, and chanting proper. It was something along the lines of, "Great Buddha, wrapped in the teachings that illuminate all beings something something." Then there was some chanting. They chant on a steady beat with a steady tone which is actually sort of soothing. Remember when you were a kid and you would hum a steady note while one of your parents patted your back and made your voice bump? It's sort of like that. We chanted the heart sutra, then another I wasn't familiar with, then the names of everyone in the lineage, then something in Japanese. Or at least, I think it was Japanese. All said (no pun intended) the chanting didn't bother me at all. I still think the Kwan Um school in Fairbanks might be too flaky for me, but now I might be willing to give it a try. I doubt it though. I just feel very comfortable w/ Soto.

Shogen, a monk in training, then gave a dharma "talk." Actually he just read for about 20 minutes from a book called Emptiness Dancing. It was actually very very good. Stuck that one on my wish list. ;) Anyway, that was about it. We all hung out and talked a short time and I headed back.

I was surprised at both the age and personalities of the people in the zendo. They were all older than me, and no one looked the least bit progressive. I am pretty happy about that. I thought it would be full of college students, hippies, and folks like that. Stupid prejudice I guess. They were all really nice and easy to talk to. I think I will go back next Sunday.

Discovered Check

I really love to play chess. It is one of several hobbies/obsessions I have. The desire to plan, defend, handle the pieces, figure, develop, collect---all this has flared and simmered since I was introduced to the game as a child. I remember my first experiences. I had a learner's set that had a large base at the bottom of each piece with a simple diagram showing the way that particular piece could legally move on the board.

As I've learned more about the game I've discovered there is much much more to chess than meets the eye. I think the game is where I first discovered the tangible difference between tactics and strategy. I used to sort of think of the two terms as one in the same. With little research into chess one discovers there are a set of very general principles that govern strategy, and a set of very specific principles to govern tactics. I find this corresponds to Zen in a distinct way.

Zen seems to be a set of general principles to govern strategy, and zazen the tactic. I really appreciate how sitting gives me a concrete way to practice. In my experience, when feeling out Christianity, Taoism, Hinduism, it was always simply a matter of belief. Practice seemed to be more or less a set of decorations rather than a way to work at something. Zazen feels like work to me. Good work.

If ever you would like to play me a game, look me up! You can find me on Gameknot.com or chess-mail.com as airborne82p.

AZC and a book

Jonny and I finally made it to the Anchorage Zen Center the other night. Just visited for their newcomers night. It was a brief introduction to meditation and the customs of the zendo. We did about a 4-5 minute zazen and a little time for questions at the end. I enjoyed it. I want to come back on Sunday I think. Check out what it's like for an actual period. They have two periods of 25 minute zazen with a 10 minute walking meditation in between. Worth a shot.

Jonny asked me why it would be better in a group since I already practice on my own. I don't know. I think a lot of the ceremony in Buddhism is done because of the basic human desire to have structure and ceremony. At least, I think that's how it works for me. I do enjoy solitary practice. I just think I would like to add a tiny bit if ceremony and religion to it. I don't know though. I might end up not enjoying that, and just blessing off w/ the whole organized religion thing altogether. I think I'll always stick w/ individual practice though. I like it.

I finished Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist last night. Batchelor never quite makes the jump to proper Atheism. He is sort of Agnostic I think, or at least very non-aggressive about being an Atheist. I'm sort of tired of discussing or thinking about god and how people define it though. I don't believe in it like most people claim to, and that's enough of that. The book turned out to be sort of a collage of material that didn't have a real coherent flow to it. He does stick to the historical account of the life of Gotoma  throughout the book though. His life lessons and personal philosophies are sort of sprinkled in there amongst all the other stuff. I found the book interesting, but I think a lot of people would not. I think I did come away with a different idea of who Gotoma might have been. Traditional Buddhism presents him as a symbol more than a man, and after reading this book, I think I view him much more realistically. I think that's good though. It's the way he wished to be viewed after all.