This is the first year we've ever totally gone without any celebration of xmas. Why should it feel like letting go of something? Nothing was really ever there. For my family it has always been such a stressful time. I wish we would have stopped a long time ago. Though I always loved getting gifts, (who doesn't love gifts, especially when they are children?) that's pretty much what it was all about. I think even the getting together with family part wasn't much fun for us. We always seemed to sort of dread the impending chaos and commotion that came with the family and presents.
My fondest memory of xmas is actually a Christmas eve memory. I was sitting in the living room by myself in the recliner. My Mom, Dad, and older brother were all out in the kitchen. I believe I was sitting out a hand of Rummy. Anyway, the tree was in the corner of the living room, about 5 feet in front of me. There was a warm silence in the house, broken only by the idle conversation over cards in the kitchen. The lights from the tree were the only thing lighting the room. I just felt so safe, warm, and content. I was probably 12-16 years old or so. This reminds me of something I read from Brad Warner.
He remarked about how we have this pressure to socialize. We are "not social" or "anti-social" if we don't enjoy hanging out with groups of people. So we feel that pressure. Then we give in to that pressure and try to be like everyone else who apparently loves to hang out in groups. Inevitably we go away unsatisfied. It's never as great as we'd hoped. So we feel that we are somehow weird or inadequate because we don't like being social, and of course everyone who's normal loves to be social right? What is this lie we tell ourselves, and why do we do it?
How many parties have I attended, or even thrown, where I was just sitting there not engaged in conversation? Sitting there alone within the group. Toiling over the politics of being social.
"I don't think he likes her."
"That girl is always whining."
"This guy...here we go w/ the jokes again."
"Does anyone really want to hear about your cats again?"
"Yeah right...don't you realize no one believes this story?"
It's almost tiring sometimes, yet we sit there smiling and nodding and being just as pleasant as we can be. We feel so relieved when it's all over. Isn't it nice when all the people go home and it's quiet again? I think we all enjoy our alone time, or our time one on one w/ good company.
So today is just another day this year. Though it will be much more relaxing than in all my years before.
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