Do something

Yesterday's post seemed to glaze over so many details. I think it could have been a never ending post.

So, at that Dead show I mentioned. It was 1994 at Buckeye Lake Music Center in Hebron, Ohio. Traffic opened up. All my friends and I were smoking pot all day before the show, then everyone ate some LSD about 30 minutes before going into the concert area. The "parking lot" was a little slice of 1969 with hippies and buses everywhere. I was there for the party, not that into the Dead, and not that into the old hippie thing either. I was having fun though, and I was with a good group of friends, about 10 of us all together.

Walking in the gates to the show we passed through a small crowd of people with their hands out asking for "a miracle." They'd literally say, "Can I get a miracle bro?" as we'd walk by. I found out later they wanted a free ticket. I also found out later that the group of hippies that follow the Dead include many a freeloader that bum cigarettes, money, food, and of course tickets all in the name of "brotherhood." It's really a bunch of bullshit, but...back to the story.

We get in, we're watching Traffic, Steve Winwood is jammin w/ the band, everyone's having a blast. It starts getting really windy, and my trip is going pretty strong. Couple things I remember here. The trees on the far side of the field where the concert was held were blowing all over the place. I remember thinking that they were holding up there leaves as an old lady might hold up her dress to cross a mud puddle. With their swaying in the strong winds, they looked to be dancing to the music. It was quite a sight. It seemed that I could talk at any time. As if speech was a passing train that I could easily step onto or off of at any moment. My conversation w/ my friend Craig I remember, seemed to be a train of its own. We were both entering the stream of speech, and exiting at will. What was funny was, our conversation was ABOUT the fact that we could do this. We also remarked that, at any time, you could look in any direction and find someone lighting a cigarette within about 2-3 seconds. It was a fact! Not part of the trip. It was so strange. And probably way less exciting that we thought it was. ;)

Then the rain started DUMPING BUCKETS onto us. There was an old man standing about 10 feet to our front in a bright red jump suit w/ a red baseball cap on. I'm sure he was soaked, but the material didn't look wet at all. The guy was probably 60 years old, and by himself apparently. My friend Josh said, "Look...it's God." and pointed to this guy. About 5 of us just stood there amazed by this old man. Around this time I looked up into the rain and storm clouds. Something told me that I just shouldn't be there. That I wasn't meant to be there somehow. I then felt so incredibly cold I had to leave. I was cold because of the rain and wind and acid. This was on top of a bad sunburn from running around the parking lot all day long w/ no shirt on. So, Craig basically held me as we walked back to the van. It's a good thing. If I'd gone alone I'd have gotten lost for sure. These lovable hippies who believe only in peace and togetherness all booed and belittled me for leaving the show early. They said things like, "Oh look at this guy! He wasted his fucking ticket!" I totally didn't care about these folks though, or what they thought of me. I'd just passed from my old life into a new one I thought.

Back at the van I was introduced to Phish and chilled out in the dry interior for the remainder of the Dead show. The rest of the day was pretty unremarkable, but I remembered those trippy moments where my mind seemed to meld with the minds around me for months after that. I felt that everything was very pliable after that. That I could be whoever I wanted to be. That anything was possible. That how I'd viewed the world up to that point was always incorrect. I was a little out of it then I think, but what was important in my opinion was that last point. That I now saw how connected we all are, and that nothing is permanent, everything is constantly in flux, and that anything could happen.

I still feel this way. I think we are all individual sensors of a universe that has a way to experience itself. That's all I really know. Is there anything beyond death as far as the mind is concerned? I doubt it. Does it matter how I live my life? Only in that it affects everything around me, and thus affects my own environment. If you honestly want to live in pain, then no...it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Does it matter if someone is gay or rich or disabled or a fish? I don't think so. It may not "matter" but it has effects. NOTHING we do or say or think has no effect. I read somewhere to "Direct all blame unto one's self." I think that's great advice. No, everything is not your fault, that's stupid. But blaming yourself for everything, or considering it at least, frees you from a lot of hatred and anger. Think about how much time you spend each day blaming others.

I might say, "Man, that dude shorted me $5.00! That turd! Some people have some real nerve! Oh well, I'm on my way home...too late now. Just wish people were better than that." Then I carry that around w/ me right? Well.. I could say, "I let myself get shorted $5.00! I have to be more careful and look at my receipt next time." You get the idea probably. Blaming yourself gets yourself into action. Get off your butt. Do something.

New Book

So I'm reading Stephen Bathelor's Confession of a Buddhist Atheist. I feel I have so much in common w/ this guy. For one thing, he did a lot of drugs back in the 70's. I too had my share of drug use, some might say heavy drug use, but I did it in the 90's. I had a real life changing experience at a Greatful Dead show one day, and nothing's ever been the same.

I felt an overwhelming oneness w/ the world, and everyone around me. That's all it took to put everything in perspective. I was amazed at that time of the intricacies and enormous SIZE of the world. How everything was connected and ever-changing. Gradually, after quitting drugs altogether, and changing my lifestyle a little bit, that novelty sort of wore off.

I became more and more down to earth and more suspicious of anyone's claims of spiritual knowledge...including my own. I tried Christian church for a while, as that was the most familiar to me, and I had some Christian friends. I realized fairly quickly that Christianity for me was a very weak bandage on a gushing wound. I heard about Taoism from a friend, and was intrigued by the simplicity and common sense of The Way. The more I looked into Taoism however, the more superstition and mysticism I came across. Then I found Buddhism. The more I explored Buddhism, the less it made sense to me. The thing is, there's no hub for Buddhism. If you're interested in Christianity, read the Bible. Islam, read the Koran. Taoism, break out the Tao Te Ching. But Buddhism has too many resources available. Too many people that claim THEY know the truth, but everyone else is steering you wrong. That was really frustrating to me, but I felt that the underlying truth that meditation offered a tangible way to change your attitude, and thus your situation, was stable and worth some more effort. I felt good after reading the Dalai Lama or Thick Nat Han. Despite the good feelings, I still felt it was very flowery and mystic. Why would I ever want to envision myself as this or that? Why would I want to recite this paragraph day after day after day? Granted, it may change the way I look at the world somehow, but it's not opening me up to anything. Only training me to behave.

Somewhere along the line I read a coupld of Zen books. Finally this felt normal enough to sink my teeth into. Zen Mind Beginer's Mind was first, then I read a few Brad Warner books, and it was a sigh of relief. I felt I'd finally come to tems w/ my search. Instead of looking for "myself" I'd simply observe myself. I then read Stephen Batchelor's Buddhism Without Beliefs, and at the same time, Richard Dawkin's God Dillusion. I now feel firmly rooted in my own belief system, which would have to be identified as a Buddhist Atheist. So, reading this book was almost an obligation.

I'm enjoying it so far. I'm begining Part II, where the author has stopped identifying as a monk, got married, and took on the life of a layman and a writer. He has only regarded himself as agnostic so far. Im interested to see how he makes the leap to Atheism. For me, it was Richard Dawkin's simple logic that made it concrete. Before I was basically admiting I didn't know about the existance of god. Now, I am certain there is no god, unless of course your definition is something other than the biblical god. The universe, if you want to consider it god, then...sure, there is a universe. However, the universe doesn't care if you live, die, or sleep w/ someone out of wedlock. The universe only cares through social pressures and personal feelings. There is no supreme collective as far as I'm concerned.

Grasp

This is my little girl's fingers wrapped around my pinky. She's a whopping 1 lbs, 8 oz. 12 inches long and 16 weeks premature, it's amazing to feel her grip.
I remember reading Zen in the art of archery. The author's teacher kept telling him to meditate like a baby grasping for its father's finger. No intention or goal, just grasping for the finger with no judgment at all.

I wonder what goes through her mind. I wonder what sort of a mind she has at this point. It strikes me too that she relies so completely on us. Mom & Dad and all the staff at the hospital. She survives purely on the compassion of others. If we let down our guard, even for a day, she wouldn't make it. Everyone starts out that way. Every single one of us, no matter how bad ass we turn out, started out as a squeaky little helpless being, crying for Mom & Dad, and depending on the world to take care of us completely.

Baby Girl!

We have a little girl now! Ella Tate is adorable. She's in the NICU and will be for a few months more. Born at 24 weeks, she was really early and requires a lot of care. The whole thing has been very stressful on Mom & Dad as you might imagine. So, I was doing great w/ meditating, but when I deployed to Pakistan back in September, I quit completely. It's hard to meditate in a room full of 15 Soldiers who think Buddha is a God and haven't a clue what Zen is. I would sort of try to while lying down, but it just doesn't work. It doesn't feel the same. At any rate, now I'm back home sort of, and I have opportunities to sit now and then. I started again yesterday for a super short 10 minutes before we went to visit Ella. I want to try and sit a little each day. I think it's more important now than ever. It's easy to get upset when I'm always worrying about Ella, and I've even got some problems w/ my skin that I attribute to stress lately.
This morning I was talking w/ a woman downstairs at our hotel that has to go to Seattle for a bone marrow transplant for her cancer. I said, "good luck" as I left her there in the kitchen. She replied, "I don't think luck has anything to do w/ it. We leave it all up to God." What do you say to something like that? I said, "Yeah..." Not in an offensive way. I was just at a loss for words I guess. To me, her statement sounded something like, "We trust it all to the Easter Bunny." But I know she was totally serious about it. I just don't know the proper response...without acting like I believe the same thing that is. Actually, I sort of think she said that as a small reinforcement of her own beliefs. I think that's a big part of the Christians requirement to testify. It solidifies one's own belief by professing it in front of others. Okay. Gotta go!