Do something

Yesterday's post seemed to glaze over so many details. I think it could have been a never ending post.

So, at that Dead show I mentioned. It was 1994 at Buckeye Lake Music Center in Hebron, Ohio. Traffic opened up. All my friends and I were smoking pot all day before the show, then everyone ate some LSD about 30 minutes before going into the concert area. The "parking lot" was a little slice of 1969 with hippies and buses everywhere. I was there for the party, not that into the Dead, and not that into the old hippie thing either. I was having fun though, and I was with a good group of friends, about 10 of us all together.

Walking in the gates to the show we passed through a small crowd of people with their hands out asking for "a miracle." They'd literally say, "Can I get a miracle bro?" as we'd walk by. I found out later they wanted a free ticket. I also found out later that the group of hippies that follow the Dead include many a freeloader that bum cigarettes, money, food, and of course tickets all in the name of "brotherhood." It's really a bunch of bullshit, but...back to the story.

We get in, we're watching Traffic, Steve Winwood is jammin w/ the band, everyone's having a blast. It starts getting really windy, and my trip is going pretty strong. Couple things I remember here. The trees on the far side of the field where the concert was held were blowing all over the place. I remember thinking that they were holding up there leaves as an old lady might hold up her dress to cross a mud puddle. With their swaying in the strong winds, they looked to be dancing to the music. It was quite a sight. It seemed that I could talk at any time. As if speech was a passing train that I could easily step onto or off of at any moment. My conversation w/ my friend Craig I remember, seemed to be a train of its own. We were both entering the stream of speech, and exiting at will. What was funny was, our conversation was ABOUT the fact that we could do this. We also remarked that, at any time, you could look in any direction and find someone lighting a cigarette within about 2-3 seconds. It was a fact! Not part of the trip. It was so strange. And probably way less exciting that we thought it was. ;)

Then the rain started DUMPING BUCKETS onto us. There was an old man standing about 10 feet to our front in a bright red jump suit w/ a red baseball cap on. I'm sure he was soaked, but the material didn't look wet at all. The guy was probably 60 years old, and by himself apparently. My friend Josh said, "Look...it's God." and pointed to this guy. About 5 of us just stood there amazed by this old man. Around this time I looked up into the rain and storm clouds. Something told me that I just shouldn't be there. That I wasn't meant to be there somehow. I then felt so incredibly cold I had to leave. I was cold because of the rain and wind and acid. This was on top of a bad sunburn from running around the parking lot all day long w/ no shirt on. So, Craig basically held me as we walked back to the van. It's a good thing. If I'd gone alone I'd have gotten lost for sure. These lovable hippies who believe only in peace and togetherness all booed and belittled me for leaving the show early. They said things like, "Oh look at this guy! He wasted his fucking ticket!" I totally didn't care about these folks though, or what they thought of me. I'd just passed from my old life into a new one I thought.

Back at the van I was introduced to Phish and chilled out in the dry interior for the remainder of the Dead show. The rest of the day was pretty unremarkable, but I remembered those trippy moments where my mind seemed to meld with the minds around me for months after that. I felt that everything was very pliable after that. That I could be whoever I wanted to be. That anything was possible. That how I'd viewed the world up to that point was always incorrect. I was a little out of it then I think, but what was important in my opinion was that last point. That I now saw how connected we all are, and that nothing is permanent, everything is constantly in flux, and that anything could happen.

I still feel this way. I think we are all individual sensors of a universe that has a way to experience itself. That's all I really know. Is there anything beyond death as far as the mind is concerned? I doubt it. Does it matter how I live my life? Only in that it affects everything around me, and thus affects my own environment. If you honestly want to live in pain, then no...it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Does it matter if someone is gay or rich or disabled or a fish? I don't think so. It may not "matter" but it has effects. NOTHING we do or say or think has no effect. I read somewhere to "Direct all blame unto one's self." I think that's great advice. No, everything is not your fault, that's stupid. But blaming yourself for everything, or considering it at least, frees you from a lot of hatred and anger. Think about how much time you spend each day blaming others.

I might say, "Man, that dude shorted me $5.00! That turd! Some people have some real nerve! Oh well, I'm on my way home...too late now. Just wish people were better than that." Then I carry that around w/ me right? Well.. I could say, "I let myself get shorted $5.00! I have to be more careful and look at my receipt next time." You get the idea probably. Blaming yourself gets yourself into action. Get off your butt. Do something.