New Book

So I'm reading Stephen Bathelor's Confession of a Buddhist Atheist. I feel I have so much in common w/ this guy. For one thing, he did a lot of drugs back in the 70's. I too had my share of drug use, some might say heavy drug use, but I did it in the 90's. I had a real life changing experience at a Greatful Dead show one day, and nothing's ever been the same.

I felt an overwhelming oneness w/ the world, and everyone around me. That's all it took to put everything in perspective. I was amazed at that time of the intricacies and enormous SIZE of the world. How everything was connected and ever-changing. Gradually, after quitting drugs altogether, and changing my lifestyle a little bit, that novelty sort of wore off.

I became more and more down to earth and more suspicious of anyone's claims of spiritual knowledge...including my own. I tried Christian church for a while, as that was the most familiar to me, and I had some Christian friends. I realized fairly quickly that Christianity for me was a very weak bandage on a gushing wound. I heard about Taoism from a friend, and was intrigued by the simplicity and common sense of The Way. The more I looked into Taoism however, the more superstition and mysticism I came across. Then I found Buddhism. The more I explored Buddhism, the less it made sense to me. The thing is, there's no hub for Buddhism. If you're interested in Christianity, read the Bible. Islam, read the Koran. Taoism, break out the Tao Te Ching. But Buddhism has too many resources available. Too many people that claim THEY know the truth, but everyone else is steering you wrong. That was really frustrating to me, but I felt that the underlying truth that meditation offered a tangible way to change your attitude, and thus your situation, was stable and worth some more effort. I felt good after reading the Dalai Lama or Thick Nat Han. Despite the good feelings, I still felt it was very flowery and mystic. Why would I ever want to envision myself as this or that? Why would I want to recite this paragraph day after day after day? Granted, it may change the way I look at the world somehow, but it's not opening me up to anything. Only training me to behave.

Somewhere along the line I read a coupld of Zen books. Finally this felt normal enough to sink my teeth into. Zen Mind Beginer's Mind was first, then I read a few Brad Warner books, and it was a sigh of relief. I felt I'd finally come to tems w/ my search. Instead of looking for "myself" I'd simply observe myself. I then read Stephen Batchelor's Buddhism Without Beliefs, and at the same time, Richard Dawkin's God Dillusion. I now feel firmly rooted in my own belief system, which would have to be identified as a Buddhist Atheist. So, reading this book was almost an obligation.

I'm enjoying it so far. I'm begining Part II, where the author has stopped identifying as a monk, got married, and took on the life of a layman and a writer. He has only regarded himself as agnostic so far. Im interested to see how he makes the leap to Atheism. For me, it was Richard Dawkin's simple logic that made it concrete. Before I was basically admiting I didn't know about the existance of god. Now, I am certain there is no god, unless of course your definition is something other than the biblical god. The universe, if you want to consider it god, then...sure, there is a universe. However, the universe doesn't care if you live, die, or sleep w/ someone out of wedlock. The universe only cares through social pressures and personal feelings. There is no supreme collective as far as I'm concerned.