I didn't go to the zen center this morning. I even went to bed early to try to get a decent night of sleep so I could wake up at 8. Still, I guess 0200 isn't that early is it. Plus, I got up at 0500 to help with the breast milk pumping thing. Oh well. I still sat 25 minutes this morning like usual. Maybe next week.
I've been reading a book of collected writings from D. T. Suzuki. He talks a lot about satori, or enlightenment. I think in Soto it is sort of not talked about, or not tried for. I think Suzuki may be of the Renzai school? I'm not sure. Gotta read up on that. Not that it makes much difference I guess. I don't really have a teacher, and I only loosely identify w/ the Soto tradition. I was thinking of working with a koan, but I don't know if that would be a waste of time. I'm not really sure "how" you do koan work. I was reading this and it got me thinking of trying it by myself. I hate to change anything though. I kind of like what I'm doing already.
Ella has been doing well. She's almost off of the CPAP breathing machine. Once she's on the Vapotherm I think we'll be going to the level 2 side soon! Wahoo! They're even talking about giving her a bath pretty soon. Her first bath! How exciting. She is awesome.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas Day
This is the first year we've ever totally gone without any celebration of xmas. Why should it feel like letting go of something? Nothing was really ever there. For my family it has always been such a stressful time. I wish we would have stopped a long time ago. Though I always loved getting gifts, (who doesn't love gifts, especially when they are children?) that's pretty much what it was all about. I think even the getting together with family part wasn't much fun for us. We always seemed to sort of dread the impending chaos and commotion that came with the family and presents.
My fondest memory of xmas is actually a Christmas eve memory. I was sitting in the living room by myself in the recliner. My Mom, Dad, and older brother were all out in the kitchen. I believe I was sitting out a hand of Rummy. Anyway, the tree was in the corner of the living room, about 5 feet in front of me. There was a warm silence in the house, broken only by the idle conversation over cards in the kitchen. The lights from the tree were the only thing lighting the room. I just felt so safe, warm, and content. I was probably 12-16 years old or so. This reminds me of something I read from Brad Warner.
He remarked about how we have this pressure to socialize. We are "not social" or "anti-social" if we don't enjoy hanging out with groups of people. So we feel that pressure. Then we give in to that pressure and try to be like everyone else who apparently loves to hang out in groups. Inevitably we go away unsatisfied. It's never as great as we'd hoped. So we feel that we are somehow weird or inadequate because we don't like being social, and of course everyone who's normal loves to be social right? What is this lie we tell ourselves, and why do we do it?
How many parties have I attended, or even thrown, where I was just sitting there not engaged in conversation? Sitting there alone within the group. Toiling over the politics of being social.
"I don't think he likes her."
"That girl is always whining."
"This guy...here we go w/ the jokes again."
"Does anyone really want to hear about your cats again?"
"Yeah right...don't you realize no one believes this story?"
It's almost tiring sometimes, yet we sit there smiling and nodding and being just as pleasant as we can be. We feel so relieved when it's all over. Isn't it nice when all the people go home and it's quiet again? I think we all enjoy our alone time, or our time one on one w/ good company.
So today is just another day this year. Though it will be much more relaxing than in all my years before.
My fondest memory of xmas is actually a Christmas eve memory. I was sitting in the living room by myself in the recliner. My Mom, Dad, and older brother were all out in the kitchen. I believe I was sitting out a hand of Rummy. Anyway, the tree was in the corner of the living room, about 5 feet in front of me. There was a warm silence in the house, broken only by the idle conversation over cards in the kitchen. The lights from the tree were the only thing lighting the room. I just felt so safe, warm, and content. I was probably 12-16 years old or so. This reminds me of something I read from Brad Warner.
He remarked about how we have this pressure to socialize. We are "not social" or "anti-social" if we don't enjoy hanging out with groups of people. So we feel that pressure. Then we give in to that pressure and try to be like everyone else who apparently loves to hang out in groups. Inevitably we go away unsatisfied. It's never as great as we'd hoped. So we feel that we are somehow weird or inadequate because we don't like being social, and of course everyone who's normal loves to be social right? What is this lie we tell ourselves, and why do we do it?
How many parties have I attended, or even thrown, where I was just sitting there not engaged in conversation? Sitting there alone within the group. Toiling over the politics of being social.
"I don't think he likes her."
"That girl is always whining."
"This guy...here we go w/ the jokes again."
"Does anyone really want to hear about your cats again?"
"Yeah right...don't you realize no one believes this story?"
It's almost tiring sometimes, yet we sit there smiling and nodding and being just as pleasant as we can be. We feel so relieved when it's all over. Isn't it nice when all the people go home and it's quiet again? I think we all enjoy our alone time, or our time one on one w/ good company.
So today is just another day this year. Though it will be much more relaxing than in all my years before.
Xmas
So we decided not to celebrate Christmas anymore. We are not Christian in any way. We don't like the pressure, traffic, and politics involved so we're just ignoring it from here on out I think.
Monday, December 20, 2010
AZC Sunday
I finally made it to the AZC Sunday morning. It was a good experience. I was surprised for a moment when I came in. There was already someone doing zazen and one more taking off her coat and getting ready. I just followed suit. I sat down on my cushion and began. I was probably there about 10 minutes, sitting as a few others came in behind me. Then I heard the bell. I just expected there to be some sort of formal---we are about to meditate, and we will start in one minute---or something like that. A solid beginning. But I guess it's this way every time.
We sat 25 minute. This first period I sat half lotus, knowing that my legs would be asleep if I tried full, and knowing we would walk next. So my legs didn't fall asleep. The bell rang, we got up and started walking meditation. This was a first for me, but I enjoyed it. It felt good for one thing. Also, my proximity to the other folks was never an issue as I thought it might be. We made it about half way around the room, 5-10 minutes maybe, and the bell rang again. We continued at a normal pace back to the cushion.
The second 25 minutes I spent full lotus. I wasn't surprised when my legs were fully asleep when the bell sounded again. I got up and tried to bow and almost fell over. I couldn't feel anything from the knees down. We then did prostrations which were very hard w/ my legs being numb and all. This was another first, and...though I don't really understand the reasoning behind prostrations, it felt pretty normal. Why 5? Or how ever many we did? Why that particular method? I think it's better to not try and figure it out. Why not 5? Why not do it that way? Anyway, we did some prostrations.
Another thing new to me was the chanting. There were a couple very short phrases chanted between meditating, prostrating, and chanting proper. It was something along the lines of, "Great Buddha, wrapped in the teachings that illuminate all beings something something." Then there was some chanting. They chant on a steady beat with a steady tone which is actually sort of soothing. Remember when you were a kid and you would hum a steady note while one of your parents patted your back and made your voice bump? It's sort of like that. We chanted the heart sutra, then another I wasn't familiar with, then the names of everyone in the lineage, then something in Japanese. Or at least, I think it was Japanese. All said (no pun intended) the chanting didn't bother me at all. I still think the Kwan Um school in Fairbanks might be too flaky for me, but now I might be willing to give it a try. I doubt it though. I just feel very comfortable w/ Soto.
Shogen, a monk in training, then gave a dharma "talk." Actually he just read for about 20 minutes from a book called Emptiness Dancing. It was actually very very good. Stuck that one on my wish list. ;) Anyway, that was about it. We all hung out and talked a short time and I headed back.
I was surprised at both the age and personalities of the people in the zendo. They were all older than me, and no one looked the least bit progressive. I am pretty happy about that. I thought it would be full of college students, hippies, and folks like that. Stupid prejudice I guess. They were all really nice and easy to talk to. I think I will go back next Sunday.
We sat 25 minute. This first period I sat half lotus, knowing that my legs would be asleep if I tried full, and knowing we would walk next. So my legs didn't fall asleep. The bell rang, we got up and started walking meditation. This was a first for me, but I enjoyed it. It felt good for one thing. Also, my proximity to the other folks was never an issue as I thought it might be. We made it about half way around the room, 5-10 minutes maybe, and the bell rang again. We continued at a normal pace back to the cushion.
The second 25 minutes I spent full lotus. I wasn't surprised when my legs were fully asleep when the bell sounded again. I got up and tried to bow and almost fell over. I couldn't feel anything from the knees down. We then did prostrations which were very hard w/ my legs being numb and all. This was another first, and...though I don't really understand the reasoning behind prostrations, it felt pretty normal. Why 5? Or how ever many we did? Why that particular method? I think it's better to not try and figure it out. Why not 5? Why not do it that way? Anyway, we did some prostrations.
Another thing new to me was the chanting. There were a couple very short phrases chanted between meditating, prostrating, and chanting proper. It was something along the lines of, "Great Buddha, wrapped in the teachings that illuminate all beings something something." Then there was some chanting. They chant on a steady beat with a steady tone which is actually sort of soothing. Remember when you were a kid and you would hum a steady note while one of your parents patted your back and made your voice bump? It's sort of like that. We chanted the heart sutra, then another I wasn't familiar with, then the names of everyone in the lineage, then something in Japanese. Or at least, I think it was Japanese. All said (no pun intended) the chanting didn't bother me at all. I still think the Kwan Um school in Fairbanks might be too flaky for me, but now I might be willing to give it a try. I doubt it though. I just feel very comfortable w/ Soto.
Shogen, a monk in training, then gave a dharma "talk." Actually he just read for about 20 minutes from a book called Emptiness Dancing. It was actually very very good. Stuck that one on my wish list. ;) Anyway, that was about it. We all hung out and talked a short time and I headed back.
I was surprised at both the age and personalities of the people in the zendo. They were all older than me, and no one looked the least bit progressive. I am pretty happy about that. I thought it would be full of college students, hippies, and folks like that. Stupid prejudice I guess. They were all really nice and easy to talk to. I think I will go back next Sunday.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Discovered Check
I really love to play chess. It is one of several hobbies/obsessions I have. The desire to plan, defend, handle the pieces, figure, develop, collect---all this has flared and simmered since I was introduced to the game as a child. I remember my first experiences. I had a learner's set that had a large base at the bottom of each piece with a simple diagram showing the way that particular piece could legally move on the board.
As I've learned more about the game I've discovered there is much much more to chess than meets the eye. I think the game is where I first discovered the tangible difference between tactics and strategy. I used to sort of think of the two terms as one in the same. With little research into chess one discovers there are a set of very general principles that govern strategy, and a set of very specific principles to govern tactics. I find this corresponds to Zen in a distinct way.
Zen seems to be a set of general principles to govern strategy, and zazen the tactic. I really appreciate how sitting gives me a concrete way to practice. In my experience, when feeling out Christianity, Taoism, Hinduism, it was always simply a matter of belief. Practice seemed to be more or less a set of decorations rather than a way to work at something. Zazen feels like work to me. Good work.
If ever you would like to play me a game, look me up! You can find me on Gameknot.com or chess-mail.com as airborne82p.
As I've learned more about the game I've discovered there is much much more to chess than meets the eye. I think the game is where I first discovered the tangible difference between tactics and strategy. I used to sort of think of the two terms as one in the same. With little research into chess one discovers there are a set of very general principles that govern strategy, and a set of very specific principles to govern tactics. I find this corresponds to Zen in a distinct way.
Zen seems to be a set of general principles to govern strategy, and zazen the tactic. I really appreciate how sitting gives me a concrete way to practice. In my experience, when feeling out Christianity, Taoism, Hinduism, it was always simply a matter of belief. Practice seemed to be more or less a set of decorations rather than a way to work at something. Zazen feels like work to me. Good work.
If ever you would like to play me a game, look me up! You can find me on Gameknot.com or chess-mail.com as airborne82p.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
AZC and a book
Jonny and I finally made it to the Anchorage Zen Center the other night. Just visited for their newcomers night. It was a brief introduction to meditation and the customs of the zendo. We did about a 4-5 minute zazen and a little time for questions at the end. I enjoyed it. I want to come back on Sunday I think. Check out what it's like for an actual period. They have two periods of 25 minute zazen with a 10 minute walking meditation in between. Worth a shot.
Jonny asked me why it would be better in a group since I already practice on my own. I don't know. I think a lot of the ceremony in Buddhism is done because of the basic human desire to have structure and ceremony. At least, I think that's how it works for me. I do enjoy solitary practice. I just think I would like to add a tiny bit if ceremony and religion to it. I don't know though. I might end up not enjoying that, and just blessing off w/ the whole organized religion thing altogether. I think I'll always stick w/ individual practice though. I like it.
I finished Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist last night. Batchelor never quite makes the jump to proper Atheism. He is sort of Agnostic I think, or at least very non-aggressive about being an Atheist. I'm sort of tired of discussing or thinking about god and how people define it though. I don't believe in it like most people claim to, and that's enough of that. The book turned out to be sort of a collage of material that didn't have a real coherent flow to it. He does stick to the historical account of the life of Gotoma throughout the book though. His life lessons and personal philosophies are sort of sprinkled in there amongst all the other stuff. I found the book interesting, but I think a lot of people would not. I think I did come away with a different idea of who Gotoma might have been. Traditional Buddhism presents him as a symbol more than a man, and after reading this book, I think I view him much more realistically. I think that's good though. It's the way he wished to be viewed after all.
Jonny asked me why it would be better in a group since I already practice on my own. I don't know. I think a lot of the ceremony in Buddhism is done because of the basic human desire to have structure and ceremony. At least, I think that's how it works for me. I do enjoy solitary practice. I just think I would like to add a tiny bit if ceremony and religion to it. I don't know though. I might end up not enjoying that, and just blessing off w/ the whole organized religion thing altogether. I think I'll always stick w/ individual practice though. I like it.
I finished Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist last night. Batchelor never quite makes the jump to proper Atheism. He is sort of Agnostic I think, or at least very non-aggressive about being an Atheist. I'm sort of tired of discussing or thinking about god and how people define it though. I don't believe in it like most people claim to, and that's enough of that. The book turned out to be sort of a collage of material that didn't have a real coherent flow to it. He does stick to the historical account of the life of Gotoma throughout the book though. His life lessons and personal philosophies are sort of sprinkled in there amongst all the other stuff. I found the book interesting, but I think a lot of people would not. I think I did come away with a different idea of who Gotoma might have been. Traditional Buddhism presents him as a symbol more than a man, and after reading this book, I think I view him much more realistically. I think that's good though. It's the way he wished to be viewed after all.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
The Good The Bad and The Ugly
I've started using Jonny's nap time for my meditation time. It's working pretty well, but now I miss my naps w/ her. =(
So yesterday I was talking about suffering, the first noble truth that Buddha taught. One thing I found sort of weird the first time I heard of the 4 noble truths...the fact that they're called "noble truths." I mean, sure "Life is suffering." That I could see was "a truth" I guess. But then the second one, "Causes of suffering." That didn't make sense. Then, "Cultivation of the 8-fold path?" What the hell? These don't sound like truths to me...just bullets or statements. That's really what they are.
If you really try to embrace suffering, you're bound to come to the conclusion that suffering, like everything else, has a cause. Suffering results from something. Yes, it causes things too, but no one can deny it is a result of something. This is "The Second Noble Truth," cue dramatic music please.
It's really no big deal, even though it is one of the key ingredients to the whole Buddhist method of living. So what if suffering has a cause? Who cares? Well, every suffering situation may have a different specific cause, but they all have one thing in common. All suffering shares a common bond. It all results from a desire or craving for things to be otherwise. If you are satisfied w/ situation X, then that situation causes no suffering.
It can be a little something or a huge one, and that will determine whether your suffering is little or huge. My daughter is in the ICU. I really want her to get well. I'm not satisfied w/ her situation. I suffer because of that. I worry. I stress. I want to hurry time along to when she's healthy. I want her care to be even better. I want to hold her. I want my wife to be at ease about it. I want her breathing to improve. The list goes on and on and on. And that's just one situation. What about how...I'm not comfortable. I want to move my leg. TV sucks, change the channel please. It's almost as if every freaking thing we come in contact with is unsatisfactory. Even that cake that seemed so satisfactory. It was simply temporarily relieving the slight suffering caused from the desire to have it, taste and smell it, consume it. It's pleasure giving abilities are a direct result of the suffering it relieves.
So lately I've been trying to "embrace suffering" by seeing "causes of suffering". Causes of suffering could also be stated as wants, needs, or desires. It's the same thing. Next time you want something, take a millisecond, and see it as suffering. It's interesting. That cake for instance. It never occurs to you at first to be anything but pleasurable. And that thing that caused your suffering...loosing your wallet, never seemed anything but bad, but it's a result of the comfort you feel by having your wallet and all the things it provides to you. It's one in the same. There isn't really any difference. Just how we view it.
Friday, December 10, 2010
"I promise. I will never die."
I'm nearing the end of Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist. A large portion of the book is Batchelor's physical journey through the places significant to the history of Siddhatta Gotama. It got a little dry for me for a while and I sort of had to plow through that part, but it might be more interesting to other people. Parts of it interest me too, don't get me wrong, but it's a VERY detailed account of Gotoma's life as a man. However, it does show just how hard the author must have worked at dredging out all this information from the Pali Canon and ancient Buddhist texts.
Listen to Only if you can promise me you'll never die. from Team America: World Police
So, the first of the Four Noble Truths is "Suffering." I've seen it written a couple different ways in different books. "The truth of suffering" as compared to "Life is suffering," or "Embrace suffering." The point of realizing or embracing suffering is that EVERYTHING suffers. One thing for me---and maybe lots of westerners?---is that the word "suffering" brings up images of torture or horrible pain. If you try to realize that everything suffers in that way, you're kind of stretching it. Suffer doesn't necessarily mean that though. Lets say you bake a cake. Certainly the cake isn't suffering right? Well...in a way it is. It doesn't experience pain or suffering, but it is impermanent. It will eventually rot or be eaten. And, have you never seen a kid cry over not getting his/her cake? ;) "I've met this girl, and she is da bomb! I think I'm in love!" Now this...this can not be suffering right? Even love will change. One of the partners will die before the other. The relationship might dissolve. Even if both partners live their entire lives together in total bliss and they up and die on the same day at the same time, their love for each other will not be the same on that day as it was early in their relationship. So even a strong positive emotion such as love still suffers.
There's also traditional suffering where I have a pain in the neck or a toothache that causes me to suffer. That won't last either though! Good news! Either your tooth will become abscessed, (I knew I should have flossed more often) cause you a nasty infection that leads to your death...and the end of your suffering. OR You get to a dentist and have it fixed somehow. Either way, that toothache won't last forever. It's a fact.
I don't think this is totally pessimistic. It's just the way things are. Things come up, they do their thing, then they die, change, or go away somehow. The reason that equates to suffering is that we humans expect the world to behave differently. My totally awesome new camera for instance, shouldn't it last for a while? My savings in the bank, shouldn't they be there when I check next time? What do we mean by "should"? According to who? According to what? Why, in the grand scheme of things should my camera be okay or my money be safe? It's because we expect them to be safe that causes problems for us. Didn't we just agree that nothing lasts? What determines the appropriate time that something should last? There isn't an appropriate time for anything to last. That's hard to swallow.
This all makes sense on paper, but it is so hard to realize in life. Though I realize this principle in an academic way, I go through life expecting certain things to last a certain amount of time before it's "okay" for them to change. That's what meditation is for. Or, one thing it's for at least. To try to change that perception to a more realistic one. It is clinging to this notion that things will go on as we expect them to that causes so many problems for us. That leads into the Second Noble Truth...the cause of suffering. Dum dum daaaaaaa.
Listen to Only if you can promise me you'll never die. from Team America: World Police
So, the first of the Four Noble Truths is "Suffering." I've seen it written a couple different ways in different books. "The truth of suffering" as compared to "Life is suffering," or "Embrace suffering." The point of realizing or embracing suffering is that EVERYTHING suffers. One thing for me---and maybe lots of westerners?---is that the word "suffering" brings up images of torture or horrible pain. If you try to realize that everything suffers in that way, you're kind of stretching it. Suffer doesn't necessarily mean that though. Lets say you bake a cake. Certainly the cake isn't suffering right? Well...in a way it is. It doesn't experience pain or suffering, but it is impermanent. It will eventually rot or be eaten. And, have you never seen a kid cry over not getting his/her cake? ;) "I've met this girl, and she is da bomb! I think I'm in love!" Now this...this can not be suffering right? Even love will change. One of the partners will die before the other. The relationship might dissolve. Even if both partners live their entire lives together in total bliss and they up and die on the same day at the same time, their love for each other will not be the same on that day as it was early in their relationship. So even a strong positive emotion such as love still suffers.
There's also traditional suffering where I have a pain in the neck or a toothache that causes me to suffer. That won't last either though! Good news! Either your tooth will become abscessed, (I knew I should have flossed more often) cause you a nasty infection that leads to your death...and the end of your suffering. OR You get to a dentist and have it fixed somehow. Either way, that toothache won't last forever. It's a fact.
I don't think this is totally pessimistic. It's just the way things are. Things come up, they do their thing, then they die, change, or go away somehow. The reason that equates to suffering is that we humans expect the world to behave differently. My totally awesome new camera for instance, shouldn't it last for a while? My savings in the bank, shouldn't they be there when I check next time? What do we mean by "should"? According to who? According to what? Why, in the grand scheme of things should my camera be okay or my money be safe? It's because we expect them to be safe that causes problems for us. Didn't we just agree that nothing lasts? What determines the appropriate time that something should last? There isn't an appropriate time for anything to last. That's hard to swallow.
This all makes sense on paper, but it is so hard to realize in life. Though I realize this principle in an academic way, I go through life expecting certain things to last a certain amount of time before it's "okay" for them to change. That's what meditation is for. Or, one thing it's for at least. To try to change that perception to a more realistic one. It is clinging to this notion that things will go on as we expect them to that causes so many problems for us. That leads into the Second Noble Truth...the cause of suffering. Dum dum daaaaaaa.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Anchorage Zen Center
My wife and I had intended to visit the Anchorage Zen Center last night for their newcomers night which they have every Tuesday evening from 7-830. Needless to say--we intended to visit--we missed our time. We ended up staying in the hospital longer than we'd planned, then laundry, mail, and dinner got in the way. I suppose there will always be excuses eh? We're going to try again next week. I think next week may be better anyway. I'm not actually sure there was any zazen last night. I think it was basically a class on posture, but that would have been good too.
Jonny isn't very interested at all in Zen or meditation. She isn't very eager to attend this newcomers night w/ me either, but she is willing. I've been trying to sit everyday, but it's hard. We're cooped up in this one-bed hotel room at the hospital and we have exactly the same schedule, so my only alone time is while she's in the shower. I suppose I could just sit there while she tapped away at her laptop or read a book or something, but that's a little awkward. So I've only been able to sit about 10 minutes a day at the most. I think meditation is especially helpful right now though with all the added stress/worry about Ella. She's doing fine I guess, but we worry a lot, and it feels very unstable.
I have been reading quite a bit online about Buddhist practice though. I think that's good. Still reading Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist too. The book got a little slow, but it's picking back up. When Stephen Batchelor goes on about his investigations into the details of Gotoma's life before he was enlightened, it gets pretty nitty-gritty and a bit deep into Indian history for my taste. I really enjoy his writings on philosophy though.
I really need to start studying and working out again. I can't let it go for too long or I'll regret it. That's about the last thing I feel like doing right now though. Maybe if I just start really small. ;)
Jonny isn't very interested at all in Zen or meditation. She isn't very eager to attend this newcomers night w/ me either, but she is willing. I've been trying to sit everyday, but it's hard. We're cooped up in this one-bed hotel room at the hospital and we have exactly the same schedule, so my only alone time is while she's in the shower. I suppose I could just sit there while she tapped away at her laptop or read a book or something, but that's a little awkward. So I've only been able to sit about 10 minutes a day at the most. I think meditation is especially helpful right now though with all the added stress/worry about Ella. She's doing fine I guess, but we worry a lot, and it feels very unstable.
I have been reading quite a bit online about Buddhist practice though. I think that's good. Still reading Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist too. The book got a little slow, but it's picking back up. When Stephen Batchelor goes on about his investigations into the details of Gotoma's life before he was enlightened, it gets pretty nitty-gritty and a bit deep into Indian history for my taste. I really enjoy his writings on philosophy though.
I really need to start studying and working out again. I can't let it go for too long or I'll regret it. That's about the last thing I feel like doing right now though. Maybe if I just start really small. ;)
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Pill Box
We've been here in Anchorage since the 14th. I miss home. I can't wait to take Ella home, but it's going to be like February or March before we can. She's doing pretty good though. I say I miss home and I think of material things. Wish I had my video games. Wish I had my car. But really, it's the routine, the life that I miss. It isn't those material things at all. And I don't miss it all that much anyway. I just sort of wistfully think of it from time to time. I'm sure, as soon as we get home I'll be talking about missing the great restaurants and stores available in Anchorage.
So the lady that said, "Luck has nothing to do with it, it's all up to god in my mind." said it again to my wife and I in the elevator the other day. I was talking w/ Jonny and mentioned something I'd read from Richard Dawkins. He questioned, "Why does religion (any religion) automatically demand respect?" Jonny said that it's more about not disrespecting someone. That's why you should not say anything offensive about their religion. But, why should it be offensive to say, "In my mind, god has nothing to do with it. I wish you good luck." Of course that lady would take offense if I said that. But why? Why do allow people a break at work 2-3 times during the day to go pray if they're Muslim? What if I were super into weightlifting. Could I get breaks to go lift or eat so that my routine could be just right? In the Army, you're not allowed to wear a necklace of any kind, unless it bears a religious symbol. Why is that? You can't have facial hair because you need a good seal on your gas mask. However, if you're Muslim, go ahead, we don't mind your beard. Oh, and you Jewish guys, you go ahead and wear the yamaka for holidays. I'm not jealous. There's nothing I feel they're getting that I'm not. I'm not owed anything. But why this constant fear of offending someone's "religious freedom?"
Freedom of speech doesn't include shouting "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater. Likewise, freedom of religion doesn't include getting whatever the hell you want as long as you declare it as part of your religious practice. We've all heard of people letting their children die of disease when medical cures were available. They wanted to let god take care of it. It's always a big controversy. "Where should we draw the line?" you hear people say on the news. Well, lets draw is really far back. Lets say...when your religious freedom bothers anyone, or disrupts anything, it's no longer an option. Have a church, masque, temple. Have gatherings and bible studies, and whatever. But when it interferes w/ business, peoples health, world peace, isn't that important enough that it deserves to be dealt with?
Dawkins had another good point. Mainstream religion allows for extremist religion. Faith without evidence is considered a virtue. The more you blindly believe, the more saintly you are. Most people see through this stuff, but some don't. Mainstream religion encourages people to become extremists.
So, is it really so offensive to just mention that it has more to do w/ luck that god? I mean, even if I were wrong, I almost feel obligated to nudge her that direction. What about those people that let their children die? Those kids didn't get to enjoy their freedom of religion. It was imposed on them and they paid the ultimate price. Well, for my little girl, I want all the luck in the world. And anything else good out there...ncluding modern medicine.
So the lady that said, "Luck has nothing to do with it, it's all up to god in my mind." said it again to my wife and I in the elevator the other day. I was talking w/ Jonny and mentioned something I'd read from Richard Dawkins. He questioned, "Why does religion (any religion) automatically demand respect?" Jonny said that it's more about not disrespecting someone. That's why you should not say anything offensive about their religion. But, why should it be offensive to say, "In my mind, god has nothing to do with it. I wish you good luck." Of course that lady would take offense if I said that. But why? Why do allow people a break at work 2-3 times during the day to go pray if they're Muslim? What if I were super into weightlifting. Could I get breaks to go lift or eat so that my routine could be just right? In the Army, you're not allowed to wear a necklace of any kind, unless it bears a religious symbol. Why is that? You can't have facial hair because you need a good seal on your gas mask. However, if you're Muslim, go ahead, we don't mind your beard. Oh, and you Jewish guys, you go ahead and wear the yamaka for holidays. I'm not jealous. There's nothing I feel they're getting that I'm not. I'm not owed anything. But why this constant fear of offending someone's "religious freedom?"
Freedom of speech doesn't include shouting "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater. Likewise, freedom of religion doesn't include getting whatever the hell you want as long as you declare it as part of your religious practice. We've all heard of people letting their children die of disease when medical cures were available. They wanted to let god take care of it. It's always a big controversy. "Where should we draw the line?" you hear people say on the news. Well, lets draw is really far back. Lets say...when your religious freedom bothers anyone, or disrupts anything, it's no longer an option. Have a church, masque, temple. Have gatherings and bible studies, and whatever. But when it interferes w/ business, peoples health, world peace, isn't that important enough that it deserves to be dealt with?
Dawkins had another good point. Mainstream religion allows for extremist religion. Faith without evidence is considered a virtue. The more you blindly believe, the more saintly you are. Most people see through this stuff, but some don't. Mainstream religion encourages people to become extremists.
So, is it really so offensive to just mention that it has more to do w/ luck that god? I mean, even if I were wrong, I almost feel obligated to nudge her that direction. What about those people that let their children die? Those kids didn't get to enjoy their freedom of religion. It was imposed on them and they paid the ultimate price. Well, for my little girl, I want all the luck in the world. And anything else good out there...ncluding modern medicine.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Come again?
There's a Zen center here in Anchorage I guess. They have a 'newcomers' night twice a week in the evenings. I think I'm going to have to come by for a sit. Apparently it's relatively short period of zazen, then some discussion about posture, Dharma, or Q&A. I've never been to any formal Zen function at all so, it should be interesting. There's a Kwan Um school up in Fairbanks too, but I've always been hesitant to go there. I read up a tiny bit on Kwan Um, and they do a lot of chanting. Also, I just have a problem with authority I guess. They call someone "venerable" this or that, and I'm immediately turned off. I think maybe if I'd joined w/ some organization early on, I'd be more open to it. But I've been practicing on my own for so long, I've really gotten comfortable with it. On the other hand, I think it's good to step out of your comfort zone from time to time. And I'm sure I'll never find a "perfect fit" no matter how hard I look.
About the book I'm reading. Batchelor was just talking about the stories from the Pali texts...the man who's shot w/ the poisoned arrow being more concerned w/ the make of the bow, the arrow, and the shooter, than w/ the fact that he's shot w/ a poisoned arrow. The story of the 4 blind men describing an elephant, where one touches the leg and says it's a pillar, one has the tail & says it's a rope etc... The story of how Buddha said, "...don't trust teachers, teachings, don't be loyal just because. Test everything for yourself." And the story where Buddha said "suppose there is no hereafter, just live the best you can, and be happy now...that's most important." I'm paraphrasing like a mo-fo, but you get the gist.
I agree w/ all this wholeheartedly. That's why I can't get into the chanting, the deities, the rituals, the visualizations, all that. I feel like it's all mysticism, and it feels fake to me. Meditating feels good to me. It's logical, I can see and feel the effects, it makes sense to do it. That's why I can't bring myself to believe in god. I used to...not. I used to say I did. I think that's what most people do actually. I don't think there are many folks out there that truly believe in a biblical god that have been real honest w/ themselves about it. I don't believe there are many that truly believe in the protection of an angel or deity either. The brief time I spent making believe that I truly believed in god did nothing for me really. I would tell people it did. The power of prayer, the power of faith, when people come together in god's name etc... All that was a consolation to myself. Drops in the bucket that had a constant leak. Constantly needing refilled. If your beliefs are certain, you don't need reassurances. I will always believe 2+2=4. If someone comes along an proves it isn't so...I'll believe that then. But even then, it won't need re-proven. You just use the knowledge. You live with it.
That's one problem I run into inside of Buddhism. Reincarnation and Karma. Karma, it's shaky for me. Obviously there's cause and effect. No doubt about it. I think everything has an effect and a cause. I think nothing is free also. You find $20 on the sidewalk...you earned. Somehow. Either you earned it, or you're going to. I figure it all balances out somehow, whether we see it or not. I think existence tends towards chaos too, so that figures in there somewhere. But when you talk about unresolved karma coming back to you in the next life? I don't think so. The whole reincarnation and afterlife thing blocks that for me. Is the mind different than the body? I have no reason to think so. The mind can't be without the brain, and at least a nice chunk of the rest of your body too. And the body can't live without at least minimum input from the mind generating brain. So, why would anyone assume the mind takes a vacation for a while, only to come back and somehow inhabit the brain of another human that was created by two people unrelated to the mind giver? I mean...really it sounds completely ridiculous! This is just my opinion, and you're entitled to yours too, but I'm not buying it. Not without a helluva lot more evidence that what I've seen on Mysteries of the Unexplained.
About the book I'm reading. Batchelor was just talking about the stories from the Pali texts...the man who's shot w/ the poisoned arrow being more concerned w/ the make of the bow, the arrow, and the shooter, than w/ the fact that he's shot w/ a poisoned arrow. The story of the 4 blind men describing an elephant, where one touches the leg and says it's a pillar, one has the tail & says it's a rope etc... The story of how Buddha said, "...don't trust teachers, teachings, don't be loyal just because. Test everything for yourself." And the story where Buddha said "suppose there is no hereafter, just live the best you can, and be happy now...that's most important." I'm paraphrasing like a mo-fo, but you get the gist.
I agree w/ all this wholeheartedly. That's why I can't get into the chanting, the deities, the rituals, the visualizations, all that. I feel like it's all mysticism, and it feels fake to me. Meditating feels good to me. It's logical, I can see and feel the effects, it makes sense to do it. That's why I can't bring myself to believe in god. I used to...not. I used to say I did. I think that's what most people do actually. I don't think there are many folks out there that truly believe in a biblical god that have been real honest w/ themselves about it. I don't believe there are many that truly believe in the protection of an angel or deity either. The brief time I spent making believe that I truly believed in god did nothing for me really. I would tell people it did. The power of prayer, the power of faith, when people come together in god's name etc... All that was a consolation to myself. Drops in the bucket that had a constant leak. Constantly needing refilled. If your beliefs are certain, you don't need reassurances. I will always believe 2+2=4. If someone comes along an proves it isn't so...I'll believe that then. But even then, it won't need re-proven. You just use the knowledge. You live with it.
That's one problem I run into inside of Buddhism. Reincarnation and Karma. Karma, it's shaky for me. Obviously there's cause and effect. No doubt about it. I think everything has an effect and a cause. I think nothing is free also. You find $20 on the sidewalk...you earned. Somehow. Either you earned it, or you're going to. I figure it all balances out somehow, whether we see it or not. I think existence tends towards chaos too, so that figures in there somewhere. But when you talk about unresolved karma coming back to you in the next life? I don't think so. The whole reincarnation and afterlife thing blocks that for me. Is the mind different than the body? I have no reason to think so. The mind can't be without the brain, and at least a nice chunk of the rest of your body too. And the body can't live without at least minimum input from the mind generating brain. So, why would anyone assume the mind takes a vacation for a while, only to come back and somehow inhabit the brain of another human that was created by two people unrelated to the mind giver? I mean...really it sounds completely ridiculous! This is just my opinion, and you're entitled to yours too, but I'm not buying it. Not without a helluva lot more evidence that what I've seen on Mysteries of the Unexplained.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Do something
Yesterday's post seemed to glaze over so many details. I think it could have been a never ending post.
So, at that Dead show I mentioned. It was 1994 at Buckeye Lake Music Center in Hebron, Ohio. Traffic opened up. All my friends and I were smoking pot all day before the show, then everyone ate some LSD about 30 minutes before going into the concert area. The "parking lot" was a little slice of 1969 with hippies and buses everywhere. I was there for the party, not that into the Dead, and not that into the old hippie thing either. I was having fun though, and I was with a good group of friends, about 10 of us all together.
Walking in the gates to the show we passed through a small crowd of people with their hands out asking for "a miracle." They'd literally say, "Can I get a miracle bro?" as we'd walk by. I found out later they wanted a free ticket. I also found out later that the group of hippies that follow the Dead include many a freeloader that bum cigarettes, money, food, and of course tickets all in the name of "brotherhood." It's really a bunch of bullshit, but...back to the story.
We get in, we're watching Traffic, Steve Winwood is jammin w/ the band, everyone's having a blast. It starts getting really windy, and my trip is going pretty strong. Couple things I remember here. The trees on the far side of the field where the concert was held were blowing all over the place. I remember thinking that they were holding up there leaves as an old lady might hold up her dress to cross a mud puddle. With their swaying in the strong winds, they looked to be dancing to the music. It was quite a sight. It seemed that I could talk at any time. As if speech was a passing train that I could easily step onto or off of at any moment. My conversation w/ my friend Craig I remember, seemed to be a train of its own. We were both entering the stream of speech, and exiting at will. What was funny was, our conversation was ABOUT the fact that we could do this. We also remarked that, at any time, you could look in any direction and find someone lighting a cigarette within about 2-3 seconds. It was a fact! Not part of the trip. It was so strange. And probably way less exciting that we thought it was. ;)
Then the rain started DUMPING BUCKETS onto us. There was an old man standing about 10 feet to our front in a bright red jump suit w/ a red baseball cap on. I'm sure he was soaked, but the material didn't look wet at all. The guy was probably 60 years old, and by himself apparently. My friend Josh said, "Look...it's God." and pointed to this guy. About 5 of us just stood there amazed by this old man. Around this time I looked up into the rain and storm clouds. Something told me that I just shouldn't be there. That I wasn't meant to be there somehow. I then felt so incredibly cold I had to leave. I was cold because of the rain and wind and acid. This was on top of a bad sunburn from running around the parking lot all day long w/ no shirt on. So, Craig basically held me as we walked back to the van. It's a good thing. If I'd gone alone I'd have gotten lost for sure. These lovable hippies who believe only in peace and togetherness all booed and belittled me for leaving the show early. They said things like, "Oh look at this guy! He wasted his fucking ticket!" I totally didn't care about these folks though, or what they thought of me. I'd just passed from my old life into a new one I thought.
Back at the van I was introduced to Phish and chilled out in the dry interior for the remainder of the Dead show. The rest of the day was pretty unremarkable, but I remembered those trippy moments where my mind seemed to meld with the minds around me for months after that. I felt that everything was very pliable after that. That I could be whoever I wanted to be. That anything was possible. That how I'd viewed the world up to that point was always incorrect. I was a little out of it then I think, but what was important in my opinion was that last point. That I now saw how connected we all are, and that nothing is permanent, everything is constantly in flux, and that anything could happen.
I still feel this way. I think we are all individual sensors of a universe that has a way to experience itself. That's all I really know. Is there anything beyond death as far as the mind is concerned? I doubt it. Does it matter how I live my life? Only in that it affects everything around me, and thus affects my own environment. If you honestly want to live in pain, then no...it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Does it matter if someone is gay or rich or disabled or a fish? I don't think so. It may not "matter" but it has effects. NOTHING we do or say or think has no effect. I read somewhere to "Direct all blame unto one's self." I think that's great advice. No, everything is not your fault, that's stupid. But blaming yourself for everything, or considering it at least, frees you from a lot of hatred and anger. Think about how much time you spend each day blaming others.
I might say, "Man, that dude shorted me $5.00! That turd! Some people have some real nerve! Oh well, I'm on my way home...too late now. Just wish people were better than that." Then I carry that around w/ me right? Well.. I could say, "I let myself get shorted $5.00! I have to be more careful and look at my receipt next time." You get the idea probably. Blaming yourself gets yourself into action. Get off your butt. Do something.
So, at that Dead show I mentioned. It was 1994 at Buckeye Lake Music Center in Hebron, Ohio. Traffic opened up. All my friends and I were smoking pot all day before the show, then everyone ate some LSD about 30 minutes before going into the concert area. The "parking lot" was a little slice of 1969 with hippies and buses everywhere. I was there for the party, not that into the Dead, and not that into the old hippie thing either. I was having fun though, and I was with a good group of friends, about 10 of us all together.
Walking in the gates to the show we passed through a small crowd of people with their hands out asking for "a miracle." They'd literally say, "Can I get a miracle bro?" as we'd walk by. I found out later they wanted a free ticket. I also found out later that the group of hippies that follow the Dead include many a freeloader that bum cigarettes, money, food, and of course tickets all in the name of "brotherhood." It's really a bunch of bullshit, but...back to the story.
We get in, we're watching Traffic, Steve Winwood is jammin w/ the band, everyone's having a blast. It starts getting really windy, and my trip is going pretty strong. Couple things I remember here. The trees on the far side of the field where the concert was held were blowing all over the place. I remember thinking that they were holding up there leaves as an old lady might hold up her dress to cross a mud puddle. With their swaying in the strong winds, they looked to be dancing to the music. It was quite a sight. It seemed that I could talk at any time. As if speech was a passing train that I could easily step onto or off of at any moment. My conversation w/ my friend Craig I remember, seemed to be a train of its own. We were both entering the stream of speech, and exiting at will. What was funny was, our conversation was ABOUT the fact that we could do this. We also remarked that, at any time, you could look in any direction and find someone lighting a cigarette within about 2-3 seconds. It was a fact! Not part of the trip. It was so strange. And probably way less exciting that we thought it was. ;)
Then the rain started DUMPING BUCKETS onto us. There was an old man standing about 10 feet to our front in a bright red jump suit w/ a red baseball cap on. I'm sure he was soaked, but the material didn't look wet at all. The guy was probably 60 years old, and by himself apparently. My friend Josh said, "Look...it's God." and pointed to this guy. About 5 of us just stood there amazed by this old man. Around this time I looked up into the rain and storm clouds. Something told me that I just shouldn't be there. That I wasn't meant to be there somehow. I then felt so incredibly cold I had to leave. I was cold because of the rain and wind and acid. This was on top of a bad sunburn from running around the parking lot all day long w/ no shirt on. So, Craig basically held me as we walked back to the van. It's a good thing. If I'd gone alone I'd have gotten lost for sure. These lovable hippies who believe only in peace and togetherness all booed and belittled me for leaving the show early. They said things like, "Oh look at this guy! He wasted his fucking ticket!" I totally didn't care about these folks though, or what they thought of me. I'd just passed from my old life into a new one I thought.
Back at the van I was introduced to Phish and chilled out in the dry interior for the remainder of the Dead show. The rest of the day was pretty unremarkable, but I remembered those trippy moments where my mind seemed to meld with the minds around me for months after that. I felt that everything was very pliable after that. That I could be whoever I wanted to be. That anything was possible. That how I'd viewed the world up to that point was always incorrect. I was a little out of it then I think, but what was important in my opinion was that last point. That I now saw how connected we all are, and that nothing is permanent, everything is constantly in flux, and that anything could happen.
I still feel this way. I think we are all individual sensors of a universe that has a way to experience itself. That's all I really know. Is there anything beyond death as far as the mind is concerned? I doubt it. Does it matter how I live my life? Only in that it affects everything around me, and thus affects my own environment. If you honestly want to live in pain, then no...it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Does it matter if someone is gay or rich or disabled or a fish? I don't think so. It may not "matter" but it has effects. NOTHING we do or say or think has no effect. I read somewhere to "Direct all blame unto one's self." I think that's great advice. No, everything is not your fault, that's stupid. But blaming yourself for everything, or considering it at least, frees you from a lot of hatred and anger. Think about how much time you spend each day blaming others.
I might say, "Man, that dude shorted me $5.00! That turd! Some people have some real nerve! Oh well, I'm on my way home...too late now. Just wish people were better than that." Then I carry that around w/ me right? Well.. I could say, "I let myself get shorted $5.00! I have to be more careful and look at my receipt next time." You get the idea probably. Blaming yourself gets yourself into action. Get off your butt. Do something.
New Book
So I'm reading Stephen Bathelor's Confession of a Buddhist Atheist. I feel I have so much in common w/ this guy. For one thing, he did a lot of drugs back in the 70's. I too had my share of drug use, some might say heavy drug use, but I did it in the 90's. I had a real life changing experience at a Greatful Dead show one day, and nothing's ever been the same.
I felt an overwhelming oneness w/ the world, and everyone around me. That's all it took to put everything in perspective. I was amazed at that time of the intricacies and enormous SIZE of the world. How everything was connected and ever-changing. Gradually, after quitting drugs altogether, and changing my lifestyle a little bit, that novelty sort of wore off.
I became more and more down to earth and more suspicious of anyone's claims of spiritual knowledge...including my own. I tried Christian church for a while, as that was the most familiar to me, and I had some Christian friends. I realized fairly quickly that Christianity for me was a very weak bandage on a gushing wound. I heard about Taoism from a friend, and was intrigued by the simplicity and common sense of The Way. The more I looked into Taoism however, the more superstition and mysticism I came across. Then I found Buddhism. The more I explored Buddhism, the less it made sense to me. The thing is, there's no hub for Buddhism. If you're interested in Christianity, read the Bible. Islam, read the Koran. Taoism, break out the Tao Te Ching. But Buddhism has too many resources available. Too many people that claim THEY know the truth, but everyone else is steering you wrong. That was really frustrating to me, but I felt that the underlying truth that meditation offered a tangible way to change your attitude, and thus your situation, was stable and worth some more effort. I felt good after reading the Dalai Lama or Thick Nat Han. Despite the good feelings, I still felt it was very flowery and mystic. Why would I ever want to envision myself as this or that? Why would I want to recite this paragraph day after day after day? Granted, it may change the way I look at the world somehow, but it's not opening me up to anything. Only training me to behave.
Somewhere along the line I read a coupld of Zen books. Finally this felt normal enough to sink my teeth into. Zen Mind Beginer's Mind was first, then I read a few Brad Warner books, and it was a sigh of relief. I felt I'd finally come to tems w/ my search. Instead of looking for "myself" I'd simply observe myself. I then read Stephen Batchelor's Buddhism Without Beliefs, and at the same time, Richard Dawkin's God Dillusion. I now feel firmly rooted in my own belief system, which would have to be identified as a Buddhist Atheist. So, reading this book was almost an obligation.
I'm enjoying it so far. I'm begining Part II, where the author has stopped identifying as a monk, got married, and took on the life of a layman and a writer. He has only regarded himself as agnostic so far. Im interested to see how he makes the leap to Atheism. For me, it was Richard Dawkin's simple logic that made it concrete. Before I was basically admiting I didn't know about the existance of god. Now, I am certain there is no god, unless of course your definition is something other than the biblical god. The universe, if you want to consider it god, then...sure, there is a universe. However, the universe doesn't care if you live, die, or sleep w/ someone out of wedlock. The universe only cares through social pressures and personal feelings. There is no supreme collective as far as I'm concerned.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Grasp
This is my little girl's fingers wrapped around my pinky. She's a whopping 1 lbs, 8 oz. 12 inches long and 16 weeks premature, it's amazing to feel her grip.I remember reading Zen in the art of archery. The author's teacher kept telling him to meditate like a baby grasping for its father's finger. No intention or goal, just grasping for the finger with no judgment at all.
I wonder what goes through her mind. I wonder what sort of a mind she has at this point. It strikes me too that she relies so completely on us. Mom & Dad and all the staff at the hospital. She survives purely on the compassion of others. If we let down our guard, even for a day, she wouldn't make it. Everyone starts out that way. Every single one of us, no matter how bad ass we turn out, started out as a squeaky little helpless being, crying for Mom & Dad, and depending on the world to take care of us completely.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Baby Girl!
We have a little girl now! Ella Tate is adorable. She's in the NICU and will be for a few months more. Born at 24 weeks, she was really early and requires a lot of care. The whole thing has been very stressful on Mom & Dad as you might imagine. So, I was doing great w/ meditating, but when I deployed to Pakistan back in September, I quit completely. It's hard to meditate in a room full of 15 Soldiers who think Buddha is a God and haven't a clue what Zen is. I would sort of try to while lying down, but it just doesn't work. It doesn't feel the same. At any rate, now I'm back home sort of, and I have opportunities to sit now and then. I started again yesterday for a super short 10 minutes before we went to visit Ella. I want to try and sit a little each day. I think it's more important now than ever. It's easy to get upset when I'm always worrying about Ella, and I've even got some problems w/ my skin that I attribute to stress lately.
This morning I was talking w/ a woman downstairs at our hotel that has to go to Seattle for a bone marrow transplant for her cancer. I said, "good luck" as I left her there in the kitchen. She replied, "I don't think luck has anything to do w/ it. We leave it all up to God." What do you say to something like that? I said, "Yeah..." Not in an offensive way. I was just at a loss for words I guess. To me, her statement sounded something like, "We trust it all to the Easter Bunny." But I know she was totally serious about it. I just don't know the proper response...without acting like I believe the same thing that is. Actually, I sort of think she said that as a small reinforcement of her own beliefs. I think that's a big part of the Christians requirement to testify. It solidifies one's own belief by professing it in front of others. Okay. Gotta go!
This morning I was talking w/ a woman downstairs at our hotel that has to go to Seattle for a bone marrow transplant for her cancer. I said, "good luck" as I left her there in the kitchen. She replied, "I don't think luck has anything to do w/ it. We leave it all up to God." What do you say to something like that? I said, "Yeah..." Not in an offensive way. I was just at a loss for words I guess. To me, her statement sounded something like, "We trust it all to the Easter Bunny." But I know she was totally serious about it. I just don't know the proper response...without acting like I believe the same thing that is. Actually, I sort of think she said that as a small reinforcement of her own beliefs. I think that's a big part of the Christians requirement to testify. It solidifies one's own belief by professing it in front of others. Okay. Gotta go!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Big Mind
Last night, while sitting, I had sort of a strange experience. I started to feel like my mind was not seperate from the object around me. Though I was sitting in a room full of junk, I felt like as a whole it was "us" rather than me in a room of junk. Then it occured to me that Jonny was showering, and doing laundry, and I felt really close to her too. It felt like we were one mind sharing all these objects, and able to observe it from our individual bodies. It felt very good, and the 15 minutes went by, not only unnoticed, but way too fast. I did not want to stop when the bell went off. I think I could have easily went another 10-15 minutes.
I suppose I should not strive for that feeling, or become too attached to it. I read somewhere that you will sometimes experience feelings that seem like out of body experiences, or visions, or vivid fantasies, but not to buy into them. They are just manifestations of who knows what. Nonetheless, it was a very good feeling. =)
I suppose I should not strive for that feeling, or become too attached to it. I read somewhere that you will sometimes experience feelings that seem like out of body experiences, or visions, or vivid fantasies, but not to buy into them. They are just manifestations of who knows what. Nonetheless, it was a very good feeling. =)
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Bird Killer Strikes Again! Pigeons on high...alert.
Killed a pigeon today. Kinda had to. It couldn't find it's way back down the stairs and it was shitting all over everything in our Flight Ops office. I whacked him with a piece of metal that was laying around. I had to hit it two more times to finally kill it, but I tried to make it quick. Poor guy.
Excel quit on me at work. That's why I'm taking the time to write this. Can't do anything I need to at the moment. Really sleepy today too, that's not helping. Was going to do PT, then they said just go to the gym on your own. Went to the gym and could not park there, so I didn't even want to see what it was like on the inside. Drove back to Battalion and showered. Oh well...the day's not starting off very good, but maybe I'll get something done by this afternoon.
Excel quit on me at work. That's why I'm taking the time to write this. Can't do anything I need to at the moment. Really sleepy today too, that's not helping. Was going to do PT, then they said just go to the gym on your own. Went to the gym and could not park there, so I didn't even want to see what it was like on the inside. Drove back to Battalion and showered. Oh well...the day's not starting off very good, but maybe I'll get something done by this afternoon.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Nuthin
I've been pretty good about meditating lately. I find myself thinking about work a lot. I guess that's because of the amount of time I spend at work. I mean...even when I'm at home I think about work quite a bit--do I need to look something up, what's the uniform/time for tomorrow, am I flying on such & such a day etc. If my mind has to conjure up some thoughts they're likely going to be related to work.
Brad Warner mentioned that thinking "non-thought" is kind of like focusing on the spaces between cohearent thoughts. I'm paraphrasing, but that's the idea. So I've been using that a little bit. On occasion I can hover on that gap between thoughts for quite a while. I notice that it's a relaxing feeling and time goes by quickly when it's like that.
Brad Warner mentioned that thinking "non-thought" is kind of like focusing on the spaces between cohearent thoughts. I'm paraphrasing, but that's the idea. So I've been using that a little bit. On occasion I can hover on that gap between thoughts for quite a while. I notice that it's a relaxing feeling and time goes by quickly when it's like that.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
2010
So it's a new year again. Maybe I can post more than once or twice this year.
Did you see this...
http://www.hulu.com/watch/118886/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-the-temple-of-hume
Gotta love the daily show. =)
Trying again to meditate every day at least a little. I've also decided to totally give up alcohol. I don't care about rum cake & things like that, but drinking alcohol. It's just not worth the trouble. I mean...it's not worth ANY trouble at all, so what's the point ya know? It costs a lot, it makes me sick after even a small amount, I no longer enjoy being buzzed--let alone being drunk, it causes trouble and possibly huge trouble that could end a career a marriage or whatever...what else? Hell why do you need more reasons than that right? So yeah, I'm done drinking.
I still have my coffee though. ;) Maybe next year.
Did you see this...
http://www.hulu.com/watch/118886/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-the-temple-of-hume
Gotta love the daily show. =)
Trying again to meditate every day at least a little. I've also decided to totally give up alcohol. I don't care about rum cake & things like that, but drinking alcohol. It's just not worth the trouble. I mean...it's not worth ANY trouble at all, so what's the point ya know? It costs a lot, it makes me sick after even a small amount, I no longer enjoy being buzzed--let alone being drunk, it causes trouble and possibly huge trouble that could end a career a marriage or whatever...what else? Hell why do you need more reasons than that right? So yeah, I'm done drinking.
I still have my coffee though. ;) Maybe next year.
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